Do You Like Yourself?

Do you like yourself? This probably isn’t a question that comes up every day for most of us, though if you struggle with eating or body image issues, it may crop up more often.

I only started thinking about it after watching the new documentary about John Candy titled I Like Me. I still find it hard to accept that it’s been 31 years since Candy died in 1994, and from the movie, it was clear that he’s still very much in the thoughts of his friends.

I realized while watching it that I hadn’t seen much of what Candy had been in. My main memory of him is from Spaceballs, and he’ll be sadly missed in Spaceballs 2. But after I watched the documentary, I decided to also watch the movie that inspired the title I Like Me.

All of it got me thinking about how hard it can be to be in a larger body and still like yourself – but it seems like John Candy achieved that.

Candy’s history

Since I was in high school when John Candy died, I hadn’t known much about his life, or that he also struggled with emotional eating (and drinking). It turns out that Candy’s father died on Candy’s fifth birthday – and everyone just carried on like nothing had happened.

It meant that Candy was never truly able to recover from that trauma because he learned at such a young age that the way to respond was by not dealing with it. But ignoring those things isn’t easy, either, which seems to be a large reason why Candy ate and drank as much as he did. (As a side note, Candy’s son was also five when Candy died, but his son has been able to approach grief differently and not fall into his father’s pattern.)

And the one time Candy did try to change, getting sober and losing quite a bit of weight, people in Hollywood encouraged him to stay on the bigger side. Oddly enough, they liked that look on him and liked the kind of characters he played as a big guy. (I doubt any woman in Hollywood has ever been told this.) So, Candy went back to eating and drinking more.

The real article

Despite that, Candy seemed to be at ease with himself. By all accounts, he was kind, affable, decent to everyone, whether they were famous or not, and a great dad. At the beginning of the documentary, Bill Murray lamented that he didn’t have any dirt to spill about John Candy, but that just wasn’t who Candy was.

The movie where he delivered the line, “I like me,” was Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. Candy played a salesman named Del who got on the nerves of his unexpected traveling companion, Neal (played by Steve Martin). Del wasn’t a bad guy, but he did talk a lot, took off his shoes and socks on a plane ride (a big no-no), and only left Neal one small towel for his shower when they had to share a motel room.

When Neal unloaded on Del about how annoying he was, saying quite a lot of hurtful things, Del didn’t get angry or defensive. He simply said it was all right if it made Neal feel better to attack him. Del added that he knew he was an easy target, but he wasn’t ashamed of who he was.

He added, “Well, you think what you like about me, I’m not changing. I like me. My wife likes me. My customers like me, ‘cause I’m the real article. What you see is what you get.”

And I know Candy was acting, but I also felt like it was true for himself. That he was genuine, and he did like himself.

Self-liking

And it also made me think how rare it seems to be to hear people talk about liking themselves. Not in a boastful way, or to pretend they’re perfect or better than they are, but to simply acknowledge that even with their faults, they like themselves.

After all, it seems far more common to hear about someone experiencing self-loathing than self-liking. I think most of us find it very easy to focus on our faults, and we feel uncomfortable praising ourselves – even when it’s deserved.

I know this is true for me. I recently had my performance review at work, and that included doing a self-review. I often struggle with the question, “What are you doing well?” Part of it is not wanting to sound too egotistical, but it’s also because my mistakes loom larger in my mind than times when I’ve done good work.

And even though it’s been many years since I’ve been really heavy, and my manager certainly has no idea of that part of my life – I’ve never even met him in person – I still remember how impossible it was for me to like myself when I felt so judged for my weight. Most of the time, I don’t think that way anymore, but occasionally it still comes up.

So, I was rather envious of Del for having such self-assurance, and it seems worth aspiring to.

Things you like about yourself

If you also struggle with feeling that you don’t like yourself, or if you have negative self-thoughts, here are a few things you can do to try to change that:

• Start a list of things you do like about yourself, and be on the lookout for things to add to it.

• When you have negative thoughts about yourself, question them. They may be other people’s opinions or values that you’ve internalized, not yours.

• Do things you’re good at. While it’s important to challenge yourself sometimes, it’s also important to do things you know you’re good at and enjoy – it helps a lot with self-confidence.

With practice, while we may not be as funny as John Candy, maybe more of us can get to a place where we, too, can say, “I like me.”